Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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