Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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