but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
