The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
