A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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