Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
