Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
