I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
