he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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