I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
