dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
