The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
