I think I died a long time ago.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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