i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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