wrigley field is MILF paradise
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
