so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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