I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize