you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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