i think my tv is drunk
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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