nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
