Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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