On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
