I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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