Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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