so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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