She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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