Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
