i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
