My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize