I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
