Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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