tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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