There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
