I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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