he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
