Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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