I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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