Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
