Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
