Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
