how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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