i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
