I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
