woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
