Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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