the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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