Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The power of my boobs compel you
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
