im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
