yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
