i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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