the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
