Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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