bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
