my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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