drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
