I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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