I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
