I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
